


A Blue Neighbourhood Story

by lovelygull



Category: troye sivan - Fandom
Genre: Based on the Blue Neighbourhood Trilogy (Troye Sivan), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 08:57:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11894352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelygull/pseuds/lovelygull
Summary: Lars has finally found the love of his life in his childhood-friend Leo. But then his father steps in and everything changes...





	A Blue Neighbourhood Story

Don't give up just yet. It felt like walls in my room were tumbling down around me, just like my hopes and dreams as my Dad was standing there in front of me, talking to me. Stay grand, for one more minute. He hated me. My Dad hated me.  
“Go away”, he said. “Let him go or go away.”  
“But Dad”, I said, “I… I love him.”  
One second later he hit me right into the face. Like a wrecking ball bumping into a wall. And that's how my world fell down. Yes, he hated me. He hated me for who I was. And my Mom wasn't there to help me. She was working. Working, while my father was at home, getting drunk. Working, to keep me and my sister alive.  
“Lars”, he said to me, looking into my eyes as if I was a stranger. “I know you're not being yourself. You can't give in to that feeling that's making you sick.”  
“No, Dad. It doesn't make me sick. It makes YOU sick.” Another hit.  
“Why are you doing this to me?!”, I shouted. Not a good idea. The air in the room felt ten degrees colder.  
“Don't shout at me, boy”, my Dad said quietly. He walked towards me and I backed off. I got scared. I crashed into my bed and fell on it. Two cars were driving by on the outside, taking my nerves on thee highest point of upsetness.  
“Dad!” I almost cried. “Please don't do this to me.”  
“I don't wanna hurt you, boy. But maybe I have to.”  
The truth runs wild. My own Dad wanted to beat my feelings out of me. He didn't want me to be myself. He wanted me to be someone else. The boy he had always imagined. The perfect, normal son.  
Elizabeth wasn't in the house. And even if, she couldn't have helped me. She was too young and my Dad was drunk. Lizzy. At least she didn't know anything.  
I remembered the barbecue where I had seen him again afterv he had been gone for so many years. Only one last year of school and then I would have started studying art in Sweden. And he would have tried to make himself out as a musician in Stockholm.   
When I had seen him there, I had known that there was something special between us. And suddenly, the strange feeling I had always had since my childhood, had finally made sense. At first, I had been scared, but he had taught me to be myself. We had fallen in love with the wonderful feeling that our friendship had now reached the point where we actually felt like one. One in two pieces. Not the same but very alike.  
But he had always been more confident than me. I had been too scared to tell my parents the truth. They thought, we would be just friends, as we had been when we had been kids. All of this actually explains our deep connection to each other at that time. We were alike in a way we hadn't known then. We had always known the thoughts of each other, the other one's feelings … We had always shared the happy things, our parents had called us twins …  
I wonder if my Dad would have reacted otherwise if I had told him when he hadn't been drunk. But he must have known something, otherwise he wouldn't have come into my room, and then he wouldn't have seen us there, kissing...  
My Dad hadn't always been like that. When I was young, he used to play with me and build sandcastles on the beach or tree houses in the garden. But then his father died from cancer and he realized that, in his family, he had a great chance of getting it, too. And then he started to drink, and was fired at work.  
Since then, my Mom had tried to make us a good life, but it never had become how it had been again. My sister never got to know how good our life had been. She hated my Dad more than I did. Because I understood him. But I could never forgive him for what he had done to me now. How could I ever again see him as the Dad from my childhood when he was now telling me that I couldn't be myself as he had always used to tell me? Leo's parents knew that he was gay, and they didn't have a problem with it. I guess, my Mom wouldn't have one, either, but now I couldn't tell her anymore without bringing her in danger of my Dad.  
“Dad, please”, I said, breathing fast. “Let me explain it.”  
“There is nothing to explain, boy. There's something wrong with you, and if you don't promise to never see this guy again, I'm gonna beat this crazy shit out of you.”  
I was absolutely sure that he meant what he said. So I did the only thing I could do to protect myself. I said: “Okay, Dad, I promise you that I'm never gonna meet him again. I'm not gonna text him and I'm not gonna think of him. I'm gonna be a normal son and do what you want.”  
I knew it was a hazard to make my Dad too angry. He had big heart problems because of his drinking, so I risked killing him. But something inside me broke at that very moment. And I guess, I didn't realize when I said the words and not afterwards, what I had done to myself. I had destroyed my future, the future I had imagined, we had imagined.  
But my Dad just grinned and laughed quietly. “Good boy”, he said and staggered away.  
And there I stood, alone with my feelings, realizing that my world was crashing down. I couldn't breathe. I'm pretty sure that I had a panic attack. I could hear my Dad outside, whistling happily and making himself another drink. Not being able to take all this hurt standing anymore, I broke down on the floor. I couldn't cry, but I felt like I was. I don't know when I woke up of my paralyzation. I only know that I saw it over and over again, how my Dad came into my room and started to shout, and I pushed Leo behind my back while he was trying to talk to my Dad, and I got scared about him and pushed him out of the room, told him desperately to go home, to leave. I still can see the look on his face when he was standing in the door. He wanted to help me, but he would have only made it worse. I just wanted to protect him as he had always protected me. But now I wished I would have let him stay. Because now I was alone and he would never be in this room again.  
I pushed myself into a half-seated position because I couldn't feel my arms and legs anymore. I couldn't feel anything. Except the pain in my heart, of course. It felt like it grew wider, like the cancer in my grandpa's chest. How will I ever be happy again? I moved my lips to this. And then I broke down on the floor again, and now I was crying. I was crying so much that I hoped my Dad wouldn't come in and hit me again for being weak.  
But, actually, I didn't really care. Should he come in and beat me. It would feel good to actually feel something again. And I thought I deserved it, because mine wasn't the only life I had destroyed.   
Maybe I should have fought for it. Leo had always said that we were like warriors and we had to fight for the ones that couldn't be themselves as we could. But in fact, I was one of them. Now I was.  
And it felt terrible. I wanted my Mom. No, actually I wanted Leo. I wanted to take him and go away with him. Wherever we should go. Just far away from here. And my Dad.  
I forced myself to crawl into my bed, wrapped the blanket around me and hugged one corner of it, like I had done when I was a child and my parents had told me that I had done something wrong.   
I still cried, but into the blanket so no one could hear it. I know that my Dad stood in the door and watched me one time. Maybe he said something but I didn't notice and, above all, not react. I heard my Mom come home and make diner for my sister. She asked about me but I couldn't hear my father's answer.  
And then I finally fell asleep. I dreamt something crazy; my Dad and Leo wanted to put me in jail and my Mom and my sister were crying on the floor. When I woke up, I cried, too. Still.  
It seemed to be very early, so I stayed in bed. The light was already shining through my window but it couldn't be later than 5 o'clock. I decided to use the time to order my thoughts. I had done what I had done and now I had to get on with my life. But Leo … No, I couldn't think about him. My Dad was in chance of dying and I had to do what was right for him. Even if I might not be completely happy.   
I would just move on and not talk to Leo anymore. Not think about him. Not text him. As my Dad had made me promise. He just wanted what was right for me. At least he thought that. Maybe. Maybe he loved me.  
But what would I do? Before Leo, I had just had some friends I wasn't really connecting with. But I had had someone to do stuff with. We had always been out somewhere. So why not? Maybe they would take me back. I could just tell them that me and Leo weren't really clicking. And I had to stop thinking his name. I had to forget my pain. Maybe a morning run would get my mind clearer.  
I stood up and got dressed. Then I took some water from the kitchen and went outside. I jogged through the village and along the beach for two hours. Then I returned home.  
My Dad was sitting outside with the newspaper and a bottle of whiskey. It was Sunday, so my Mom was probably inside making pancakes. “So, boy”, he said, looking up to me. “Did you get your mind right on your run?”  
“Yes, Dad”, I said obedient.  
“Sit down.” He pointed to the chair facing him. “Do you wanna talk man to man now?”  
“About what, Dad?” I couldn't help but getting a bit scared.  
He grinned. “Don't shit yourself, fool. I'm talking about a football game. I already forgot your stupid mistake. I guess, we said what needed to be said, and now you're a real man again, right?” He nudged me and looked at me as if he would get angry again if I said something wrong now.  
Of course I didn't. And he was right about the saying-what-needed-to-be-said part. But I wasn't sure if that meant that I was a real man. I couldn't get angry about that now. I had to get along with my Dad if I wanted to be safe.  
“So what was it about the football game?”, I forced myself to ask.  
“Oh, Gary's coming over to watch it with us tonight. And you're with it, aren't you?”   
One of the things my Dad thought would make someone a “real man” was watching football. And it seemed as if he would be looking at me aggressively for every question he would be asking from now on. I felt like if I only said one wrong word he would throw me out or something.  
I answered: “Of course I'm with it, Dad. Sounds like fun.”  
“Well, you don't have nothing to do tonight, do you?” He had a grimly happiness in his face whilst saying that. Apparently he was really happy about what he had done to me. But I just nodded powerless.  
“Does Mom know it?”, I asked quietly after a short pause.  
“This is not your mother's cup of tea.” That's how he usually talked about her. No respect for the woman that kept him alive. The bitterness came up, but I swallowed it down.  
“Now go and help your mother with the plates”, he sent me away.  
Relieved, I stood up and walked inside. “Hey, Mom.”  
“Hey.” She smiled at me warmly. “How are you, bunny?” I noticed how she looked at me. She knew that something had happened. Of course. But Dad didn't want me to tell her. And me neither. Because if she knew she would take Dad to task and then they would start a fight, and no one knew what would happen then.  
So I just smiled and said: “I'm completely fine, Mom. Just a bit sleepy and exhausted from my run … Where's Lizzy? Is she still sleeping?”  
“Yes, could you wake her up?” She turned the pancake in her pan.  
“Of course.” I breathed in deeply and went to knock on my sister's door. My Dad didn't like it when we didn't show up at breakfast. He didn't like a lot, though.  
“Lizzy?”, I asked.  
“Yeah?”, she moaned drowsily.   
“Breakfast.”  
“Ok.” According to her voice her face was buried in her pillow. “I'm coming.” I heard how she was getting up. Sighing, I walked back into the kitchen to bring the plates and the coffee outside.  
We had a silent breakfast, followed by a lecture of my Dad about how unmanly it was to play the violin (he knew that Leo played it). After everything, I had to listen to him. I just sat in my chair and nodded when required whilst pressing my lips onto each other. After he had finished, I wanted to go to my room but Dad wanted me to wash the car with him. Would he ever leave me alone again? But how could I say no?  
We drove the car down to the point where all the narrow sandroads that connected the small houses in our neighbourhood joined up to a bigger one that lead into the town. It was quiet, at least when my father took a sip from his whiskey bottle an then forgot that he had been talking about something (mostly things that he thought men had to be or do). I lived for these silent moments where I could just let myself be instead of taking in all the hate that my Dad was indirectly throwing at me. I had always loved washing the car, but today it was a torture.  
And then it happened. Suddenly my Dad's eyes focused on a point that I was turning my back to and narrowed. I had a bad feeling but I turned around – just to see Leo standing a few meters away from me. He gave me an asking look, definitely waiting for me to explain everything.  
“Don't you dare walking up to him”, my Dad hissed at me. And I didn't want to but I couldn't fight it. Without thinking about it, I started walking towards Leo. The way was longer than I thought and I started thinking. Panically. What are you doing? What are you gonna say? Are you crazy? You promised to never see him again. Turn around and go away.  
Well, I didn't listen to myself. And suddenly I stood in front of Leo, him looking at me expectantly. “Lars? What happened? Are you okay?”  
I dared to look back to my Dad for a second. He was furious. And I said: “I thought about us. This is never gonna work.”  
“But why? Everything was fine just yesterday. What did he tell you?!” He pointed accusingly at my Dad.   
“Nothing. He got my mind right.” I couldn't look him in his eyes so I stared at his forehead. I breathed in and said: “This was all so wrong. And I don't wanna do this anymore. I can't live like this.”  
His mouth was open as wide as his eyes that were constantly wandering from my Dad to me. He was obviously shocked. And it hurt me so much. “But Lars – you've always wanted this.”   
“No”, I interrupted him. “I never wanted this. It was you who came back and turned everything upside down. I never wanted this. And I never wanna see you again.” I never knew that I was such a good actor. And in this case, I would have been more than happy to never get to know.  
Without any further word I turned around and walked away. A bit shaky but determined. At the car, my Dad welcomed me with open arms. The moment he let me go I could hear how Leo slowly turned around and walked away. I didn't have much time to watch him go.  
“You did everything right, my son”, my Dad said while he gave me a slap on the shoulder. I closed my eyes while he was looking another way. Now I really had ruined everything. When he looked at me again, I tried to smile, and he was too drunk and happy to see how fake it was.  
“You can go now”, he said. “Go watch some TV or something.” What a terrible way to make a Dad proud. I nodded powerless and walked back to our house and into my room. Maybe watching some TV would take my mind off my pain. I sat on my bed, grabbed the remote and leaned back.   
Nine hours later I woke up again. Apparently, I had needed some sleep. I looked at the clock. I had missed lunch but my Mom had put a plate of spaghetti with tomato sauce in my room. We would have dinner in a few minutes but I ate a bit. But then I thought back to Leo and lost my appetite.  
I went out of my room and took my plate with me. “Woken up?”, my Mom welcomed me in the kitchen.  
“Yes”, I answered.  
“Here's your plate.” She gave it to me and I carried it outside where my Dad already sat on the table.  
“Well, son. Ready for the game?” I nodded and tried a smile.   
“I'm very excited.”   
I tried to eat and blend out his voice while he went on talking about football. I just nodded and stuffed the food inside me because I knew he would get suspicious if I didn't eat.  
After that, me and Dad prepared some chips and beer for the game. Then the doorbell rang and Dad sent me off to open up. Gary had brought his son with him. Tom. The black-haired, good-looking show-off Tom.  
And at that moment it hit me. I realized that I had had a crush on Tom when I had been ten. Without knowing it, of course. This was the first time it struck my mind.  
“Hi, Lars”, said Gary. “I heard you're watching the game with us. So I brought Tom with me. You remember him?”  
“Yes.” I showed a weak smile. “Hi.”  
“Lars.” Tom nodded shortly. I just stood there and didn't want to move. How could I forget who I was if there were hints about my true self everywhere?  
Finally, Tom got impatient and pushed me away. “Let's get in.”   
“A bit confused today, ha?” Gary followed his son. I walked behind them.  
Gary was a bar friend of Dad. He was just like him since his wife had died at Tom's birth. At least that's what my Mom had told me. He was constantly drunk and some people said that he beat his son but would also always tell him that he was the best in everything. Maybe that's why Tom was so arrogant and unapproachable. But he looked good, though. And he had even looked better when he had been ten. He went to another school now so I hadn't really met him since Junior High. But I was more scared of myself than interested in him.  
It was a terrible evening. Dad allowed me to drink beer but I only drank one bottle. Leo and I had always refused to drink because we thought it didn't make sense. I felt guilty.  
While the others were completely into the game, discussing every move; shouting, ranting and cursing, I just sat there, slowly sipping from my bottle and focused my eyes on a point somewhere by the TV blending out everything around me.  
Somewhere at the end of the game I realized that I was thinking about Leo and felt depressed again. I was happy when the game was over and I could quickly excuse myself to go to bed. I snuggled down in my blanket and – with a few tears – fell asleep.

I had never been less happy about having to go to school than this next morning. I didn't want to meet Leo. I didn't want to see his disappointed face. I didn't want to see him sad. And I was scared that he would try to talk to me. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to lie to him again.   
I needed some time until I could convince myself to get up. I felt sick but I didn't want to stay home. And Dad wouldn't let me anyways. I got dressed in a white T-Shirt and light Jeans and breathed in one more time before I got out the door.  
Lizzy was already sitting at the kitchen table. We were alone.  
“So what happened between you and Dad?”  
I sat down. “Me and Dad?” How did she know that?! “Nothing happened between me and Dad. Why should it?”  
“Because something is strange”, she said with narrow eyes. “And I'm going to find out what it is.”  
I got scared. “Please, Lizzy”, I said. “Please don't make it worse than it is. Dad is just gonna get angry and then we'll both get in trouble.”  
“So I was right that there is something”, she said triumphantly.  
“ _Please _, Lizzy!”  
She looked at me. “Okay. I'm gonna stay out of this. But if he hurts you, I'm gonna kill him.”  
I almost started crying. My little sister wanted to protect me. Shouldn't I be the one who protected her? It was so hard for me to survive that morning with her. I was happy when our ways parted because she had to take the bus while I went to school on foot.  
I was still scared to meet Leo. What would I say to him? I really didn't know. Turned out that I wouldn't have had to worry so much about that. Leo was not in school. Another surprise waited for me.   
Tom. He gave me a short nod across the classroom. Since I didn't have anything else to do, I walked up to him. “Since when are you in this school?”  
“My father sent me here. The teachers in my old school were all stupid.”  
Yes, probably. Or maybe they had just noticed that Tom wasn't the perfect, all-knowing guy he thought he was. I actually felt like starting a fight but I didn't know why I would do that. So I just wished him luck for the rest of the year and wanted to go back to my table.  
“Hey, Lars”, he said. He had probably seen my face. “You seemed a bit off the road yesterday. _Lovesick _?”  
I winced. Had I said anything yesterday? I heard him laugh and tried to breathe. He couldn't know that. He was only making fun of me.  
But now everybody was looking at me. So I tried to smile and turn around. “I was only lovesick when you were gone.” And his face really got red. At least a bit. But he was also angry. I hurried up to my seat and was happy that our teacher came in at that minute.  
I guess my face was red, too. Neither was I confident enough to say something like that to someone like Tom (usually), nor did I want the others to know what was going on. No one in my class really knew what really was between me and Leo. I guess they just thought we had a really good friendship. Sometimes someone had made fun of us in that way, but we always just used to laugh about it with them. We didn't have a lot to do with the people from school anyways. Most time we were alone or with some of Leo's old friends.  
We had English, Leo's favorite subject. So today it was horror for me. The shame after I had insulted Tom and the empty chair next to me made me feel so alone and outcast I wanted to cry. Usually Leo caught me with his enthusiasm for the texts and poems and got me to watch the pictures beside them with the same interest. A picture can describe a whole story.  
But today I just hung in my chair, never put my hand up and did hardly move. I had never had less motivation. The other subjects were almost the same. Except from art. We were supposed to paint a blurry picture in whatever way we wanted to and I asked my favorite teacher/secret heroine Mrs. Fitz if I could do a new one. It felt good to express my feelings in that way. Painting was like healing to me. And no one could ever really figure out what it meant.   
The only thing missing was Leo next to me, making fun of how he couldn't draw while I was doing it with so much passion, and trying to find out what my picture was about. But I really felt a lot better after this lesson. More relieved. As if now someone knew what I had done and what I really thought about it. Because of Leo's empty chair, this feeling didn't last very long, but at least it gave me some time to breathe.  
I was happy when the day was over. Lizzy was with a friend, Dad was in the bar and my Mom at work, so I would have the house for myself, and could spend some time alone. I wanted to draw some more.  
No one really cared about me while I was pushing my way out through the crowd of little groups of students that were happily talking to each other. I could see Tom with a group of new friends – you'd call them The Bullies or The Cool Kids. But then I saw him. He was standing at the corner of the schoolyard, right where I had to walk to get home. Leo.   
He looked in my direction but he didn't seem to see me. I winced in shock and stopped. Within seconds of panic I decided to do a one-eighty and walk another way. It would take me much longer to get home but at least I wouldn't have to talk to Leo. I wasn't ready for this. I didn't know if I would ever be ready.  
So I crossed the schoolyard and took the other way, walking fast and constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Leo followed me. He didn't, but I couldn't calm down and didn't stop looking back. Another problem was walking through our settlement. How could I know if Leo wouldn't be waiting for me there or at home? So when I walked down between the small houses, I turned my head left and right to see if he was standing there. Luckily, he seemed to have given up or accepted that I wouldn't talk to him. So I could enter my home and walk down to the kitchen. I really hoped that Mom had prepared something to eat because I didn't feel like cooking right now.  
I was lucky – she had prepared some bean soup. I put it on a plate, put the plate in the microwave and sat down to wait. While I sat there I thought about what just had happened. I had run away, but in the end I would have to face him. And I had ruined everything, so I couldn't talk to him. Leo knew me too well, one moment alone with me, and he would tickle it all out of me.  
All that made me cry one more time. It wasn't a loud crying, just a lot of tears streaming down my face. And when I stopped crying, the food was cold and my appetite was gone. But I was still hungry, so I ate at least a bit. Then I put the plate in the sink and went to my room. I put out my drawing stuff and lay down on the bed.  
And there I lay for about two hours, drawing disturbing pictures, until my Dad came home. I could hear him at the door, and then he walked up to my room. I only had time to desperately throw my body over the paintings before he came in.   
“Hello, son.” He stood there as if the room would belong to him – which it technically did, but he could have at least respected my privacy.  
“Hello, Dad.” I had a low voice.  
“How was your day at school?”  
“Good.”  
“Really? Did you see that boy again? What happened? Did he talk to you?” He looked suspicious. And, apparently, after just one day he had forgotten Leo's name.  
“No, Dad, he wasn't there. He was ill.” Just ignore the fact that he eventually had been there.  
My Dad grinned. “Ill, ha? Probably scared? Well, who would have expected anything else from one of those _faggots _.”  
I clenched my fists and tried not to show my anger. If my Dad got angry, then I would get in trouble. But I couldn't stand him saying anything against Leo.  
“Well, son, is there anything you want to say to me?” Of course, he had noticed how tense I was.  
I calmed my face. “No, Dad. I would say you are right.”  
Apparently he wasn't keen on talking more about that topic. He said: “Well, I hope you have nothing to do tonight because I have invited a girl to come over to dinner.”  
I winced and all my paintings fell from the bed. “A girl?”  
“Yes, son. A _girl _. Do you have a problem with that?” His face got red in anger. “And what is this stupid stuff?! Why did you hide them?” He pointed at the drawings.______  
I was shaking. “I didn't hide them, Dad. I just lay over them.”   
He hesitated for a second, but then said: “Well, whatever. So what about the girl? Do you have a problem with meeting a girl? I thought we talked about that, Lars! I don't want to hear anything about you meeting guys again!”  
I tried to collect myself and not seem too scared of him. “No. No, Dad. You got me wrong. I don't have a problem with meeting a girl. I was just … surprised. I'm sure I'll like her,”  
He didn't believe me, but since I did what he wanted me to do, he let it be. “Yes, you will like her. Her name is Eva. And she's coming at six.” With those words, he closed the door behind him. And left me alone with my feelings of guilt for Leo. __

_______________Eva was a nice girl. She had long black hair and blue eyes, and seemed to be the kind of person who would never say anything rude to anyone. And, she was the daughter of the mayor. Apparently, Dad was already saving his rent._  
Dad's intentions were clear. I had to at least try to come together with her. We all sat at the table in our living room, Mom had cooked the best meal and everybody acted as if something really special was happening. My Mom and Lizzy probably thought that I had met Eva before and that I was the one that had invited her, so they were just happy for me. After all, I had never had a girlfriend, and they didn't know the real reason for it.  
I tried my best to be nice to Eva. She seemed to be so happy that we had invited her. I felt like she really liked me. But even though I tried really hard to smile, since my Dad looked warningly at me the whole time, it probably looked really tense. I had actually overcome my shyness, but now it was back. Everybody tried to keep up the conversation with her and was really friendly – even though I felt like Lizzy didn't really like her – but it was clear that Eva only wanted to talk to me. She asked a lot about my hobbies and that stuff. I gave my best to be as kind as I could be while talking to her. I hated talking to strangers. Especially strangers I was supposed to like and replace something with them that couldn't be replaced.  
“Lars is a really good painter”, my Dad interrupted me stammeringly trying to explain to her what I did in my free time. “He's gonna show you some of his pictures, right, Lars?” He looked at me provocatively.  
I nodded powerless. “Yes.” And suddenly, it didn't matter anymore that drawing was 'unmanly'.  
“Oh, that would be great”, Eva said. “But we're gonna do the dishes at first.”  
“Oh, no, Eva, you don't have to do this.”  
“Yes, my wife's gonna do that.”  
Eva seemed a bit intimidated by my Dad. “No, Mrs Merriwether, you made such a nice meal and you did so much for me, let me please just help you with the dishes. I don't mind doing it.” It was really hard to not be nice to a girl that only thought the best about everyone. I wouldn't be able to scare her off like that.  
“Well, if you really want to, Eva.”  
Everybody helped to get the dishes in the kitchen, then they left us alone and closed the door behind us. And I was alone with her.  
She seemed to notice how scared I looked because she tried to comfort me by talking while I cleaned the dishes in the sink and she dried them with a towel. “So, you're going to Eastwood High, right?” I nodded, still trying to smile – she always smiled back very happily when I did, so probably it looked more real than I wanted it to be. “That's so weird, I have really never seen you there. I always thought you would go to another school.”   
I really would have liked her to be my friend, but knowing that I had to feel more for her and that she didn't want me to only be her friend, made the conversation that could have been really nice, very upsetting to me.  
“You know, I was very surprised when my Dad told me that your Dad had invited me here. I never thought that you would know who I was.”  
“Well, I...” I looked at the floor and didn't know what to say. “Of course I do”, I finally said, without knowing where she knew me from.  
“You always used to sit on that stone in Whitings Park and draw, and I always walked by there just to see you, but you never looked up.” She smiled into the far. “But you haven't been there in a while, have you?”  
“No, I … I decided that I like it better to draw at home. You know, less people.” I felt really uncomfortable.  
“Yeah, I get that. I have four younger siblings, so I'm used to people being around me all the time.”  
“Wow, cool. What are their names?”, I asked, just to have something to talk about. She told me, and a few minutes later we were done with the dishes, and I led Eva to my room. She was visibly curious to see my drawings.  
I actually didn't want to show them to her. Even though I had gotten used to showing other people my pictures because of Leo, it still felt weird. As if I would bare my soul to them. And I unconsciously was scared that Eva would see my true self in these pictures.  
In the end I just showed her some of the pictures I had drawn at school which weren't that personal. Eva was amazed. After gushing over my drawings for a while, she asked if we could sit down on the bed. And then we started talking again, me being a bit bored. And scared about what was going to happen. She was nice, she really was, just not in that way.  
And then finally she said in her softest voice: “I really like you, Lars”, and she leaned over and kissed me. At first I wanted to back off, but I couldn't because I had to do what my Dad wanted. If there was anything I felt, then it was disgust.  
Afterwards I just wanted to run away, while she had the biggest happy grin on her face. I was about to cry but tried to smile so I probably had tears in my eyes at the same time. But I wouldn't be surprised if she would have assumed that I was just moved to tears. So she just took my face and kissed me again. And I still felt nothing but feelings of guilt against Leo. I just let it happen.   
When she moved her lips from mine for a second I said: “Maybe you should go. My parents won't like you staying that long.”  
“Oh, yeah.” She almost looked a bit embarrassed. “You're right.” She looked at me. “I had a great night. Can I see you again?”  
I smiled. “Tomorrow in school.” She was so happy. I brought her to the door and she gave me one last kiss, then she walked away.  
I told my parents good night – trying to seem happy – and then went to bed. I left on the lights so I wouldn't be alone with my ghosts. Now I had messed it up. I had to act like Eva's boyfriend and stay away from Leo. Oh, Leo. If I could only talk to him.   
In the end I fell asleep, after all of these sad thoughts had come through my mind. 

_______________I woke up with the frightening thought that I now had a girlfriend and now really had to act like a normal straight guy. If Leo tried to talk to me today, I would really not know what to say.  
Another morning with Lizzy. We were talking about school. While pretending I was listening, I thought about Eva. I had convinced her that I liked her in the way she liked me. With other words: I had lied to her. When I walked through the hall in school, Tom shouted something at me from the far and his friends laughed. I felt uncomfortable, but ignored them and walked into the classroom. Leo wasn't sitting on his chair. God bless. One more day without having to see him.  
I was sure that he would be there the next day. His parents never let him stay at home for more than two days if he wasn't severely ill.   
The lessons began and yesterday repeated itself. Between English and Maths, Michelle, who was sitting behind me, leaned forward. “What happened between you and Leo?”  
I winced and turned around. “What do you mean?”  
“Because I saw him yesterday on the schoolyard, and asked him if you would bring him the school stuff, and he said that you probably didn't want to talk to him. – Did you guys have a fight?”  
“Did he say something else?”, I couldn't help but asking.   
“So you _did _have a fight?”  
“No, no, no, I just didn't have time to bring him the stuff. I'm only worried because he's usually never ill.” I wasn't sure if she believed me, especially because my voice trembled, but I just wanted to hear about Leo. I could see the compassion in her face.  
“No, he didn't say that much. He had to go pretty soon. Maybe he was a bit hurt because you didn't have time for him. You know how he is. But … Lars? You know that you can come to me if you have a problem, right?” Michelle was one of those people who know everything about others. She knew Leo almost as good as I did, and she had never really talked to him that much. Also, she always knew when someone had a problem and it was hard to hide something from her.  
Before Leo had come back to this town, we had been friends, but then we had stopped seeing each other, just as it had happened with all my other friends. But we still liked each other.  
I was just about to ask her if she wanted to come over this afternoon, but then I remembered that Eva was already coming, and everything was destroyed again. I sighed.  
Luckily, before Michelle could react to it, Mr. Bernhard came in and I turned back around. No arts lesson today. Michelle tried some small talk with me, but she held back because she saw that I didn't want to talk. In lunch break I met up with Eva. We sat on the outside, even if the sky was cloudy. We talked about our day, and I almost started to feel good again. I laughed, and I talked more then in the last three days altogether. She seemed really happy. It was almost sad when we had to get back to our lessons.   
After school I almost stormed outside, ready to run from Leo again, but he wasn't there. I still felt unsafe on my way home. I tried, not to think. I could think better when I was drawing. At home, I tried to eat a bit and sat on my desk to draw and think. What I needed to do was learn to ignore Leo. He was strong, he would get over me. He would find someone else. And I could be happy with Eva. Ok, I would be happier with Leo, but I really liked her and maybe I just needed some time to get over him before I could really love her. All of these thoughts made sense to me but it didn't feel right. I tried to ignore it.   
Then, Eva knocked on the door. I put a smile on my face and opened up. Her excited face made it look a little bit more real. “Hey.”   
She came in. “Hey.”  
“How are you?”, I asked, not knowing what to say.   
She laughed. “I'm great, thanks.”  
We sat down on my bed and started to talk about vacation – she had been to more places than I would ever be – and I got a little bit more secure again. I started to talk about a few art museums I had been to. She listened with interest and even asked a few questions. In the end, we got to the point where we were kissing again, and it didn't feel any good to me, but I just let it happen. When I couldn't stand it no more, I pulled back and suggested that we would go for a walk. Doing that, I only had to hold her hand, which wasn't that bad.  
We both admired the nature around us while we were walking through the park, and listened to the sounds of someone near us playing the guitar. Actually, we had a lot of fun. The thing I noticed too late was who was the one playing the guitar, sitting on a bench a few meters in front of us. I tensed up and wanted to stop, but Eva pulled me onward. She probably hadn't even noticed it. I hoped so much that Leo wouldn't see us, but he did, since he had heard my voice. His eyes wandered from my toes to mine and Eva's clasped hands and up to my face, and his mouth was open in shock and disbelief. “Lars?” His green-eyed stare was demanding an explanation.  
And I wanted to explain it, I wanted to tell him everything, but then I just grabbed Eva's hand that I had let loose and pulled her away. I looked back a few times, and he just stared after us with his open mouth, looking like he wanted to shout after us, but he didn't. Eva wanted to ask something, but I shut her up until we were far enough away. Then I stopped.  
“Who was this? Why are you running away from him?”  
“I'm not running away from him, I just thought it's best to get going.”  
“What do you mean? Do you know him? I think I've seen him in school.”  
“He's a weirdo. It's not good to be near him.”  
“Are you sure? He looked really shocked.”  
“You probably imagined that.”  
She wasn't sure what to think. But I knew her tendency was to believe me.  
“Let's just go home.” I took her hand. On the rest of the way we were pretty quiet. She went home very soon.  
When she was gone, I tried to draw a bit, but it all looked terrible. I couldn't do anything but think about Leo's face. Of course I had known that he would find out about me and Eva sometime, but some irrational part of me had still hoped that a miracle would happen. And also, I hadn't been prepared for the look in his eyes. He wouldn't have thought that I would do this to him. And I had.  
I couldn't sleep at all. The next morning, I felt terrible. I seriously considered to play ill, but how would it help me? So I just got up and put on some new clothes. Luckily, Lizzy was already gone. I ate some dry toast and hurried up to go to school, so that I didn't have to think too much.   
I walked straight into the classroom. Leo sat on his place. I tried to ignore him and sat down on my chair and packed out my things.   
“Lars? Will you talk to me?” I ignored him. “Look, I don't know what you promised your Dad or what happened with that girl but why don't you come to me?” At least he did me the favor to speak low. I was very aware of Michelle's sharp ears behind us. “Lars, please, do at least _talk _to me! I think I deserve it.” His voice was broken. “I need to know what happened. I can help you.” I had never really experienced him like that. Not that he wasn't emotional, he just was emotional in a strong way.____  
I looked at him. “No, you can't help me, Leo.”  
His eyes got big. But before he could say something or see the tears in my eyes, the lesson started.  
We had English, but even Leo put his hand up very rarely, and then he didn't seemed really engaged. I guess, he mainly did it for me, so that we wouldn't draw attention to ourselves. I just wanted to sink into my chair. Sitting next to Leo was the most terrible thing. The person that had once been the closest to me, and it still felt like that. Just that there was a wall in the tiny space between us. I had to find another place where I could sit for the rest of the year.   
When we had our small break, Leo blocked my path. I tried to get past him, but he grabbed my arm and didn't let me go. I couldn't really do anything because the others would notice it. “No. You're gonna come with me now.” He pulled me softly to a place where we were alone, and forced me to sit down with him on the floor.  
“I need to know what happened.”   
I looked away and didn't say anything.  
“Did your Dad order you not to talk to me?” I shook my head powerless.  
“Oh yes, he did”, he said bitterly. He looked at me and I avoided his eye. He sighed heavily. It broke my heart.   
“Ok, so you don't wanna talk to me. But how could you do this to me? You know, I have feelings, too.”   
I blinked away my tears. “I really can't talk to you, Leo. I'm sorry.” Then I stood up and he let me go. I ran outside and sat there for the rest of the break, trying to fight back my tears.  
Now it was even worse, sitting next to Leo. In arts, he was small-talking with Michelle about his guitar. The same thing he would have told me if we were still talking. I tried my best to ignore them and not be jealous. Especially not about Michelle, who seemed torn between being nice to Leo and not wanting to talk to him because she knew that I didn't like it. But that didn't really help.   
I spent the lunch break with Eva, but now I really felt bad for that. She wanted to eat in the cafeteria and I could see Leo from the table we sat on. He was talking to my old friends; they seemed to have a nice conversation. I tried not to look at them so that Eva wouldn't get suspicious, but I couldn't help it. She definitely noticed my lack of interest, but she didn't say anything. _

__________________The next two weeks flew by. I couldn't stand thinking about Leo the whole time when I was alone, so the second night after we had talked the last time, I walked outside to my Dad, who sat on the garden table, hoping that he would offer me a drink. It felt good to forget, and after a few days, I started to sit there with him since the afternoon. I also couldn't stand to see Eva, so I always told her that I had something to do so she couldn't come over. She noticed that I was distanced, but I still took enough time to reassure her that I wanted to be with her.  
My Mom was worried about me, but since my Dad was fully okay with it, she couldn't really do anything. He was very happy and thought he had made a real man out of me. He didn't notice my frustration.  
I now sat next to Nicole, a friend of Michelle, in school, far away from Leo. I still had to see him, and he always looked at me, but at least I didn't have to sit next to him.  
One day, I came home from school, and saw my Mom and my sister standing in the living room, waiting for me, tears on their face. I was shocked. “What happened?”  
“Lars...” My Mom walked up to me and put her hand on my shoulder. “Your Dad had a heart attack this morning. I found him in the kitchen. There was nothing we could do.” Lizzy was sobbing in the background.   
I felt like a cold hand grabbed into my chest. I couldn't even cry, but everything started to spin around me, and I only halfway noticed that my Mom and sister were taking my arms and pulling me to the sofa. It was hard to breathe. I wanted to cry, but the tears didn't come. They only came at night.  
Later that day, Eva came over to be there for me. It didn't help. I wanted Leo. But she came over every day, again and again, even if I pushed her away.  
The next week I didn't go to school. We were preparing everything for the funeral and all that stuff you have to do when someone dies. Even though I wasn't a big help. I was just a dizzy dark cloud, strolling around, not thinking that anything could ever be good again. All the time, there were people that came over with some kind of food and wanted to express their sympathy for us. And then there was Eva. I couldn't stand anyone of them. I just wanted to be out of this situation. It was too much hurt to take._ _ _ _ _ _

_______________________The day of the funeral came. I wore my best suit and Mom and Lizzy both black dresses. My Mom had a veil over her face. We weren't many people on the graveyard. Gary, Tom, a few neighbors, a few bar friends of Dad's. And, of course, Eva, who had been holding my arm the whole time, truly believing that she was consoling me. I had been crying all day, in a silent way.  
I should have been so thankful for her, but instead it only made me angry. Why didn't she leave me alone? She wasn't the one I needed. But I also felt pity for her, so I let her hold me.  
The preacher had just began with the ceremony when someone joined the group. It was Leo. He looked at me in compassion and support, and I wanted to run to him and fall into his arms, but Eva was holding me tight. It seemed as if it took a lot for Leo to not come over and hug me. While the preacher went on, tears started to drip onto my black leather shoes again. Having Leo standing near me was too much pressure to take with all the other things. I could only think of my Dad's face, in a time where it wasn't swollen from alcohol. Eva's body was pressing onto mine.  
I almost didn't notice when the ceremony ended. I only realized it because Leo was one of the first people who turned away. I turned to the grave, and now I was really sobbing. All the wonderful things I had done with him as a kid went through my head. And also the bad things, when he had first shouted at me when he was drunk, how he had hit me when he had found me with Leo, how he had forbid me to see him again, the last two weeks where I'd been so close to him but had only become to hate him more. I dropped onto my knees. Eva was holding my shoulder. I shook her off. Someone brought her away and they let me alone. That gave me the time to really bid him farewell and say goodbye. Finally, I stood up and walked to the outside. There would be a lunch at home, with all the neighbors and friends.   
On the stone landing that was in the entrance door, sat Leo. He stood up when he saw me. I stopped and looked at him. I still hesitated because I had been ignoring him for weeks now. But then he opened his arms a bit and I hugged him. I cried a bit, and the first time in this whole terrible week it felt like it really helped me that someone was there for me. He stroke my back and lay his chin on my head. When I had cried enough, I still didn't move, first, because it felt good to be in his arms again, but also because that meant he wouldn't confront me.  
But eventually he let me go and looked at me. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me. “I'm sorry”, I finally said tearfully.  
“I know”, he said and took me in his arms again.   
“I ruined everything”, I cried.  
“You should have talked to me.”  
“I couldn't. What could you have done?”  
“I could have done something. I _really _wish you would have come to me. Problems can be fixed. But you just pushed me away and tried to do what your Dad wanted you to do. You ruined yourself.” His voice was hurt._  
“Oh God, I don't know what to do.” I shook my head.  
“It can be how it was again. You just have to promise that, from now on, you're gonna be honest to everybody. And about everything. You've seen what hiding did to us. I want you to tell your Mom and sister and everyone who is near to you what happened in the last weeks.” He looked at me. “I hope you know that it hurt me, too. To know that you are suffering, but not being able to help you. To not talk to you. To hear you tell me that you don't want me. And to see you with that girl.” The last sentence, his voice became hateful.  
I winced. “Oh my God. Eva. What am I gonna tell her?!”  
“The truth”, said someone who stood up from a rock near us that was a bit hidden behind a bush. It was Eva, and apparently she had been sitting there the whole time. Leo took a step back from me and watched her.  
She walked up to me. “Lars? Why didn't you tell me everything? I would have tried to help you.”  
“I'm sorry, Eva. I was just scared, and you were so happy, I didn't wanna destroy it. It's not that I don't like you. I think you're a really nice girl. Just not in that way.”  
“I guess I should have noticed it. You were a bit weird sometimes. But I didn't care. I hope we can still be friends after that.” She looked at Leo. “And I hope, we can be, too. I hope you don't hate me.”  
Leo smiled a bit. “I wish I could.”  
She smiled back. Then she hugged me quickly from the side, and said: “I'm gonna let you guys alone now. Don't worry, it's all gonna become good again.” She walked away, and our eyes followed her.  
“She's really nice”, Leo said to me.  
I put my hands on his shoulders. “Do you really forgive me?”  
He looked down at me. “How could I not?” And, after a short second of hesitation, he kissed me. And I knew that everything was good again.  
Then he took my hand, and we walked away together. There was a lunch waiting for us.__


End file.
